Be a man do the right thing
i dunno how im supposed to tell u this feeling.. but im hot yet cold. n chills jus keep going down my spine. i felt heavy. i felt lost. but its a total different kind of feeling from being sad. angry. stressed. its a string. pulled. n making u react.
im burning hot now. red like a crab on de outside. well ive been sunburnt. yes.. N i din noe i would. mus b me toking too much till i din realise time n me din swim alot jus now. basically us staying in de water as though it was a sauna or jacuzzi or sth. yes.. now ive got a burning sensation on de outside. gosh..it reminded me of the red skin i had when i i got dengue.
well im cold though. my hair stands as seemingly cold air blew at me. i am so cold. i long for a blanket, but im burning hot. perhaps a hot cup of drink will make me feel better. but im still cold on de inside. i cant get to sleep.
it is obvious to realise wat is wrong. sth is affecting me.
i read sth which i hav interest in. but yet i hav no strength to carry on read everything.
i skimmed thru it all. feeling wat im feeling now. im a human afterall.
u think family is not impt? N when u leave ur house u will leave every1 else behind? they r wif u always. deep inside ur heart. we r human. they can hit u where it hurts most.
but im alrite. no worries. jus tt.. ive been affected..not for a long while. but yes. it does hav an impact
well. its regarding my bro. being in debt for years owing my father a sum of 50K altogether since. he tooked my grandpa $ once without telling any1. N he got his fingers n even ass burnt with shares n stocks. he is eleven yrs older den me. single. unwanted. thin. incapable. tts sth u didnt noe for sure.
thgs went awfully wrong when both my bro n dad change. either they couldnt adapt to each other changes or i couldnt adapt to their relationship. but i guess every1 else in de family is feelign de stress. the strain on our ties. im sure of it.. when my mum have cried n stop. n my sis have burst n stop. but it seems i haven. when am i breaking down? but perhaps i wun. hopefully this episode will end well soon.
droplets of water streamed down.. no. not from my eyes. neither from any1 else but me. im sweating. not anywhere else. but from my hands. strucked wif hyperhydrosis, im so nervous sharing wif u this tale.
u can expect it. my dad n my bro were perhaps quarreling every single day. if i have not gotten used to it... i cant imagine wat it would b like. every thing my bro did. dad nagged. for sometimes things i dunno wat he did wrong. he would scold. he is increasingly biased. from breakfast to opportunities.. dad shifted it all to me. n for some reasons.. bro seems to got used to it as well.. leaving de better ones for me.. n giving them to me without any complains. well.. i dun wan this. though im enjoying better thgs.. but it has no meaning at all. they are merely cold hard objects, wif short experiences n tastes. i longed for sth tt can keep in my memory for long. such as sharing thgs. but it has been a long time since we did i supposed.
my bro din like to b at home. it was a truth. it is a fact. being driven to de walls at home.. make this place not called a home. it wasnt a shelter anymore. there is no place to hide. i noe he is not feeling it all too good. but de barrier between me n my bro exists. i cant n i dunno how to help him. when i feel i hav de obligation to do it. i can only pray for him i guess.
always outside.. i seldom see him at home. n when i do. for 80 percent of de time he is at the com. looking at charts of shares again.. or playing useless meaningless com games.. not far worse than me.. but jus wasting time away it seems. when he toked to me.. i noe he is my brother. but somehow.. there were many topics we dun dare to open our mouths n speak about. certain qtns tt i din wanna tok bout.. i would keep quiet. but he din seem to understand why i din reply. neither did he probe into it. N when i see him worried n locked dead in his bed.. i could feel but i din noe wat happened.
he cant explain wat has gone wrong. its been years.. he was often at the com even in late night wee hours.. when every1 else was sleeping. well. he din wanna disturb. cos he knew dad would nag in de day. but still dad seemingly troubled as well.. always nv had a v sound sleep. he would still wake up n scold my bro even in late night.. waking me up. hearing those chants.. which nv calms me down or send me to sleep.
my bro went to fortuneteller even to realise tt he n my father ba zi bu he. but all de advices was tt my bro should jus stop toking back to my dad. well.. my bro tried. but failed once in a while.
thgs are better now. but still not much better. u can still hear chants.. n how dad complained to every1 else bout my bro. cant blame him also. my dad is old. n yet facing this stress of supporting the family. it is nv easy to b a leader for ur whole life. like it or not. u hav no choice. u cant giv up.. or wat happens to ur closest ones? dad often tell me not to b like my bro.. how lousy he is.. n a useless person. n to be successful unlike him..
on the other hand. my bro noes but nv seems to remove his leopard spots. he still meddles wif shares. N honestly n seriously no one noes how he is. wat is his situation. no one can handle him. my mum who is closer to bro oso can do nth. my parents peeped into his dozens of letters a day.. even though they cant read n dun understand. they were worried n concerned. i am too. but perhaps i showed it less. i dunno if my bro is mature or not.. who watches anime n even cartoons.. n play games n go out.. i dunno. sometimes.. u really cant tell he is my brother. we looked different. in face. shape. size. our characters are different. but i believed we are similar in many ways.. for we are running wif de same blood..
i wanna tell u wat i saw.
i saw a letter written by my bro to dad. the final thing in de letter was sincerely sorry. the letter was about how sorry he was for the trouble he has given. how he plans to settle thgs. N him turning 30 next yr without any gf. N how he is afraid of settling down. how sorry he is to gif dad all his problems.. n need dad to support him.. n how he wasnt independent depsite his age. wat he is gg to do after his contract wif de navy ends nxt yr. to go to brokerage. wif his MAS cert earned from his study while working.
it has an impact on me. it made me tell u this.
i dunno wat else to say. becos im sighing by now.
i dun wish to speak bout him for the moment already.. n im going to pretend i din see anything or feel anythg. jus act like i normally do. to pretend i wasnt affected at all.. yes :)
i jus wanna tell u bro. dad ur my bro. N i care for u. i love u. (even tho mushy :P) i dun mean to shout at u sometimes. n even when u bullied me i enjoy it. ( i like pillow fights n wrestle wif u :P) go ahead n do sth to make us feel right. dun carry on wif ur mistakes.
please change. change for de better.. n my dad too.. pls realise how u hav changed too. affecting every1 else in de family wif ur naggings.. every1 is changing. i guess de least changed was mum.. but i dunno.. i cant tell when i cant handle these changes.
i always like de past. either i was too young to understand. or it was really a period of happy times. i wanan relive them. i wish i could. but even if i cant. its alrite.. for they r always in my memory. :)
god bless everyone.